My wedding vows

Leah and I eloped in beautiful Hood River, Oregon over Memorial Day Weekend. It was just the two of us, a county clerk, and two strangers who agreed to witness it all. Leah’s family joined via a Zoom call, so we weren’t entirely alone. In late July, we celebrated with my family, relatives, and a few of Leah’s college friends in my parent’s backyard in the Bronx, NY. Our final stop on the tour was Leah’s hometown of Gloucester, MA where both of our families would come together to celebrate our love.

I wrote up my vows the night before and shared them on September 15th to an audience of twenty. Here it is below, and I’d recommend reading these words on kindness written by my father-in-law.

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Nearly six years ago I met a girl who would go on to change my life. Of course, at the time the only thought in my head was “oh gosh, how do I impress Leah enough to continue talking to me?”

Someone recently asked when I felt the spark between us. For both of us, the connection was immediate. The more I talked to Leah, the more I knew she was special. She was unlike anyone I’d ever met, and I wanted to know more. 

Even though we were separated by cities hours apart, we would find ways to come together. Sometimes it would be on a boat drifting aimlessly in the ocean, other times high on a volcano gasping for air, and sometimes shivering in a tent staring at a nylon ceiling while a storm raged on. Every time we found ourselves off the beaten path, we shared in the joys and wonders of this beautiful planet, but also shared the challenges and struggles that come with adventure. 

The more I explored with you by my side, the more I knew that there was no one else in this world I would rather be tied to. I can’t imagine a more perfect partner to be by my side in the exciting and sometimes scary journey of life. 

Whenever I’m on my own, pedaling through trails, kick-stepping into a glacier, or daydreaming on the long drive home, everything reminds me of you. Even from afar, you’ve got this way of wrapping your little heart around mine. In the years I’ve known you, I’ve never felt alone knowing we’ve traded pieces of our hearts.

Over the years you’ve showered me with the kind of unconditional love I’ve only received from my parents. You’ve been my best friend, my mentor, my muse, and lover. I promise you my love for you will only continue to grow from here. I will be grateful for every day I can call you my wife. 

I promise to learn from you, and accept I may not always be right. I vow to see disagreements from your perspective, and I accept the work needed to maintain a strong marriage. I will never let a day go by where I am not reminded how lucky I am that we have each other.

I will be your anchor when you need strength, and I will have open arms when you need to be vulnerable and melt into my arms. I will forever be a cheerleader on your team, and find ways to surprise, inspire, and challenge you through life. 

As your partner, I promise you a life that is extraordinary, a life overflowing with laughter, friendship, and adventure. Life won’t always be easy, but through the moments of pain I’ll be by your side to share the load. I know that together, we can get through anything.

My Leah, I vow to love and support the woman you are today, the wife you’ll be tomorrow, and the person you hope to become. I love every part of you, and I vow to always do the same.

I vow to love you fiercely and passionately with everything I have to offer, for now and forever. I vow to never forget that this is a once in a lifetime love and I will choose you everyday for all the days of my life. I love you so very much.

Words on kindness from my father-in-law

My father-in-law, Bill Breen, said some moving words on the theme of kindness during our wedding. I thought it would be a shame to have the audience limited to the twenty people who were there to hear it, so I’ve posted it here. I also plan to re-read it annually on our anniversary.

My wedding vows can be found here.

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Leah and Raja asked me to say a few words before they exchange their vows. So I’ve put a few words together.

Over these past few months, I’ve been thinking a lot about kindness—not least because I have directly benefited from so many acts of kindness. My thoughts have also been powerfully influenced by the novelist George Saunder’s writings on kindness.

Kindness is a form of love. And my guess, Leah and Raja, is that far in the future, when you look back on your lives, you will have practiced the art of kindness for many, many years. That in fact, practicing kindness is now and will continue to be a defining feature of your lives together.

I know that’s a worthy goal because more often than not, those who loom large in our hearts are those who gave us a bit of their love; their support; their friendship. In other words, their kindness.

Now when it comes to kindness, I’m not thinking of sugar and spice and everything nice. Or even puppy dog’s tails. Kindness comes in many forms, and I’m thinking of the kind that lifts someone up; that supports someone who’s being oppressed; that provides a helping hand, especially when no other hand is offered.

Now I have to admit, because we are human, it’s not always easy being that kind of kind. Perhaps it has something to do with our Darwinian drive to survive, but in our minds’ eye, we stand at the epicenter of the world. Our personal history and narrative are what matter most.

It’s no surprise, then, that we so often prioritize our desires over the needs of others. And that’s completely understandable, no more so than when we are young.

And Leah and Raja, I’ve gotta tell you, you are still young! You stand at the cusp of this new life together. This moment and the moments to come require you to be both dreamers and doers.

That is, to dream of the adventures and challenges that will help you achieve a fully lived life together. And also, to summon both the grit to pursue those dreams—even when you will have to venture far off the trail to seize them—as well as the creativity and spark to bring your dreams to life.

So of course, there are and will be times when you have to put yourselves first, if you are to dream and do something difficult that makes your lives better. Let’s be realistic: It takes a little bit of selfishness to become our best selves.

It just seems to me that that the key to truly achieving a fulfilling life is to strike a balance between pursuing “success”—however you might define that word—and elevating kindness. To not let the drive to accomplish more take over the entirety of our lives and squeeze out opportunities to be more big-hearted.

The key question, of course, is “how?” How do we create the space to be more generous, more loving, more aware of what is happening in the here and now, even as we engage in the “me-first” pursuit of accomplishing more?

The good news is that in many instances, life and time steer us towards kindness. Having children diminishes our egos and dramatically elevates our compassion and altruism. As parents, we don’t care so much what happens to us, as long as our kids benefit. Because our love for them is boundless, our generosity and compassion abound.

Similarly, the aging process grinds down our inclination toward selfishness and our misbegotten belief in our centrality in the universe. Sure, we tend to grow a little grouchier and grumpier as we grow old older. But across the years, there will be times when real life intrudes and punches us in the gut. And when it does, we find that family and friends come to our aid and lift us up.

We learn that we don’t stand alone. That we aren’t the sole protagonists in life’s narrative. That in fact, we are really supporting players in each other’s life stories—and that’s the way we want it to be.

But we don’t have to wait for the passing of time to bend us toward empathy and generosity. My prediction, Raja and Leah, is that as you pursue the ambitious things that matter to you—climb all the Cascades; travel to the world’s wildest places; fall further in love; innovate and create; make a dent in the universe—that you will lean even further into kindness to each other and to others as well. That you will tamp down the selfish things that would reduce you and make you ungenerous, and reach into the luminous parts of your being and cast that light toward those who would most benefit from your caring.

I know this because I have seen how you look out for each other and take care of each other. I have witnessed the generosity and caring that you bestow on family and friends. Most of all, every day, Lise and I experience your deep love and support, as I face my own particular challenge. You have been right at my side, every step of the way. Especially when I stumble. For that—and for all the love you have shown me before this diagnosis—I am so deeply grateful.

That is why I know that when you are 90 and I am 128, you will tell me that even as ambition has pushed you toward your life goals, you have carved out, year in and year out, a bright, shining space for caring and kindness, which has enriched your lives and the lives of others, many times over.

I know that in the end, your truest legacy will be love.

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